First Day of School and Soccer

Ad had her first day of  school today, that's what the daycare calls it, and she absolutely loved it!  I was expecting some sort of break down when dropping her off.  She walked right into her classroom turned around and said, Okay bye Mom, Love you!  No idea why I was feeling like she should have had any other reaction, probably because it was much harder on me than it was on her.  My co-workers had to continue to remind me it was a great thing that she didn't react in a negative manner.  It's just so sad to see her growing up so fast. 

That night we had a little fun on the trampoline, since it was such a hard day on mommy.

 

Fall and back to school time are always my favorite time of year, mostly because it reminds me of my athletic days when back to school signified the start of 9 months of soccer.  I wanted to ensure this love was instilled in Ad too, so we practiced her soccer in the kitchen this evening.   Love her!

Family

We were able to go to the temple this past week and it's amazing to me how much it changes my perspective and attitude.  I have been debating what position I want to apply for at work while at the temple I was able to know where I should fall.  I love how when we take our problems to the Lord well thought out He is there to help lead and guide us.  I am grateful that we are able to instill the love of the temple in Ad's life.  Whenever we drive past any big building she will say Look mom I see the temple!  Love her. 

Broken

As Oley and I were up in our room changing our clothes after work Ad walked across the room and picked up our Precious Moment figurine that we have kept from our wedding, it was on the top of our wedding cake.  The minute she picked it up I looked at her and told her to set it down.  With a mischievous glimmer in her eye she quickly started to walk towards Oley.  She knew she shouldn't have it when she was just out of Oley's arm's reach she dropped it on the ground, not realizing that it was extremely fragile.  It shattered right before our eyes.  I thought to myself that's how easily a marriage can be broken, as if the figurine really signified a marriage.  I went to assess the damage while Oley placed her in time out.
After I had picked up the pieces and realized that it could be glued back together I came back into our bedroom to talk to Ad.  When I asked her what she did, she gave me the typical "because" answer that she gives every time I ask her what she did that was bad that made her go to time out.  Once she got passed that she said "i broke it".  Then she folded her arms walked passed me and said "I just want to be alone."  Typically after time out we give hugs and agree not to do something again.
This was a very different response.  But it was the response that I needed.  I realized no matter what we do on this earth, no matter how broken we think our marriage has become - no one wants to be alone.  I don't want Ad or Oley to have to be alone ever and through our temple marriage I know that we will be together forever.  Ad will always be sealed to us through time and all eternity and she will not ever have to be alone.  When I went to go and find her she was sitting in the office with her arms folded on her couch.  The lessons she teaches me everyday are deeper and greater than she will ever know.  I am so grateful for our temple marriage and our eternal family!

We Are All Friends

The other night Oley and I were having a tense moment when sitting down for dinner.
Ad pipes up to break the silence exclaiming, "We are all friends!"
We all agree.
Ad says, "We are all Happy!"

I love the joy this little one brings into our life! 

Mommy, Mama, Mommy

As I have stated before Mother's Day is always a difficult day.  Not that I am not extremely grateful that I have the opportunity to be a mother, but because I know exactly how those that do not have this same opportunity feel.  It's always just a hard day.  

With all that set aside I am so grateful I have my little baby girl to bring the joy, laughter, patience, and love I never knew I possessed.  I absolutely love this baby!  She is now to the stage where she will continue to say "mama mommy mama mommy mommy" until I respond and then even after I respond she continues to say it.  To others this may seem a nuisance but I treasure those words every time she says them.  I am so grateful to have her as my own personal reminder of the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  She makes me a stronger better person every day. I hope someday she will fully be able to appreciate the gift her birth mom has not only given her, but me, and our family.  I love being a mom!

Adelé's Scriptures

Every night we take time to read at least one page of scripture before bed.  Some nights it goes better than others.  Over the past week it has gotten more difficult to keep her sitting still without throwing a tantrum for the 3-5 minutes it takes.  This week was one of those that I was thinking, "why do I even try", until Adelé took the book from me after reading and opened it up.  She proceeded to read to me as she flipped through her pages, "Nephi says hi, Nephi says hi, Nephi says hi." She got to the last page and said "Jesus comes. Amen" and closed the book. 
I am so glad that it's sinking in even though most nights it's a struggle.  This little bug amazes me more and more every day!

Easter

Typically we go north to Grandma's house on General Conference weekend but this year since we have all been sick we opted to stay home.  Which was a great choice!  We have been go go go the past few weeks so it was nice just to relax, watch conference, and have a really low key Easter.  Ad caught on quick from the Easter egg hunt she went to in Boise and so was an egg finding champion in her own.

Her favorite part was opening up the eggs to see what was inside.

Emily came over for dinner and dying eggs!  Ad loved coloring the eggs.

The highlight of Ad's day was the lady bug Oley found her.  Ad loves bugs!  Her favorite are lady bugs!

I am so grateful for the opportunity that we have to take an entire weekend to focus on our Savior.  I am grateful for the sacrifice he has made for me in my life.  I am so thankful that Ad knows exactly who Jesus is and points Him out in every pictures she sees of Him.  Having the testimony that we will live again brings me great joy in knowing I will always be with Ad and Oley.   I absolutely love the joy Ad brings into our home and family!

Gratitude

This past weekend has made me really stop and give thanks for all that I have been given and realize how fortunate I am.  On Sunday my colleague from work lost her son in law who was diagnosed with ALS in October and we lost our YW secretary from cystic fibrosis.  Both of whom were in their 30s with children under the age of 8.  It was heart breaking to feel for their spouses and their children. 
I am so grateful I know that their is a life after this and that we are sealed for time and all eternity.  What happens in this life is only a short period in the grand perspective.  This knowledge does make these trials easier, but they are still trials and still sting. 
I have reflected over the past few weeks and can't help but share me gratitude for what I have been given.  This has really given me the opportunity to focus on what matters most. 
I am so grateful for our little girl and how much joy she brings to us.  She loves Dinky and Lily.    

I love that not only is Oley willing to work hard for our future and go to school, but he is also extremely domestic - Ad loves the pillow case that he made her.

 I love that Ad's hair is so difficult to tame in the mornings.  It gives me a little extra time every morning to spend with her letting her know how much she means to me. 

I love her spunky little personality.  She now covers up her mouth when she laughs - she is a crack up!

 I am so glad that our dogs are so patient with her.  She loves to cuddle, torture, and play with them. 

 I love how chill she is,  her easy going personality makes me realize I need to slow down a little and just enjoy the moment. 

 She is extremely smart.  She always wants to be doing something to keep her mind busy.  Play dough has been her biggest thing recently.  She is now able to count all the way to ten it's amazing how smart she is getting.  I absolutely love her and I strive everyday to be a better mom for her.

I am so grateful for the opportunities the Lord gives me and hope that I live up to the potential he has given me to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend he wants me to be.

Second Week Down

That's right we have successfully completed 2 weeks in this new routine.  At the beginning of the week I was not feeling so successful, but I am feeling much more confident now that it's over.  It was definitely a rough week.  I am sure by the end of the week Oley was feeling like this was never going to work with all of my texts letting him know how extremely difficult it was becoming.  This was me by the end of my work day on Monday - defeated.

It all started on Monday when dropping Adelé off.  She was wide awake and ate breakfast with an upbeat personality.  When I asked if she wanted to go play with Kim and her friends she enthusiastically said "Yay"!  So I drove her over to Kim's (the neighbor who watches her) and she practically leaped into Kim's arms and gave her a big hug and said "bye mom!".  It was disheartening to me that she doesn't even have a hard time going to the babysitter's house in the mornings. 
When I went to pick her up that day she wanted to stay and play with the kids longer.  As I recounted this with my colleagues, who all have grown children, the overwhelming response was be grateful she loves to go, it's heartbreaking having to drop them off and have them scream as you walk out the door.  It's true, I should be glad she is loving going to the babysitter, but it's been hard for me that it's not hard at all for her (that sounds awful), I don't want her to be sad but you know what I mean.
On Tuesday morning, I got her out of the car and she ran up to the front porch.  When Kim answered the door she ran in and then realized she hadn't grabbed her lunch box from me yet, she ran back got her lunch box and then waved "bye mom" as she hurried away.  I just had to repeat to myself the entire way to work - it's better than her crying, she's loving this arrangement I need to like it too.  She loves getting to play with other kids and it's so good for her to be able to, but it's so hard knowing she doesn't miss me at all.    
This week was full of A LOT of phone calls to grandma.  Adelé has learned how to call people on my phone.  I have pictures of most of our close family and so she finds the picture of the person she wants to talk to and she calls them.

 She loves to stack her blocks as tall as she can get them and then they fall over.

I absolutely love Adelé.  It's been somewhat of a blessing having Oley gone.  It really has given me the opportunity to rearrange my work schedule so I spend a lot more time at home with Adelé.  It will be fabulous when he is completely done and I can spend this much time with her all the time. 

I am so grateful for all the love Adelé has in her life and all the support we have, she loves to read her adoption book at night.  She points to every picture in the book and says who each person is, she always takes a little extra time on this picture with Papa Greg - she may not see him often but she sure does have a special place for him.

By Thursday I was still having a hard time with the fact that Adelé was just loving going to the babysitter, so much that I prayed a lot asking Heavenly Father if maybe I needed to find a job in Spokane and we all just move there.  When I got to Kim's house to pick Adelé up that afternoon, unlike every other day when she didn't want to leave, she came running to me yelling "mom, mom" she gave me a big hug and topped it off with a kiss.  It was exactly what I needed - I knew then that this is exactly what the Lord wants us to be doing.  Having Adelé in an LDS home where she gets to play with girls her age and get some social interaction for a few hours every day is good for all of us and the fact that she is loving going is a great sign.  I am so grateful for the tender mercies the Lord continues to bless us with.

She is a little firecracker and a lot to keep up with but I absolutely love her!

Girls Camp

As Oley did, I also got an opportunity to spend a week in the wilderness with the youth from the church.  When they asked me to go to girls camp at the beginning of the year I thought it would be a blast.  As I learned more and more about how things are done in Washington it is so different than when I was growing up.  Girls Camp was very structured - a lot of spiritual classes, certification, and very little free time.  I was hesitant to be going but since I said that I would go I went and I am sure glad that I did. 
The cabin mom I was paired with was also a first timer.  This was highly unusual since all of the others had at least 1 year experience.  We were over the 4th years.  From the first day I knew that this week may not be so bad.  The 4th years are asked to do a lot for certification, they had to build huts and sleep outside one night, they were put in the long houses with no doors, and they had to do a lot of their own cooking.  This being said Mindy (My cabin mom partner) and I were up for a challenge. 
The week went really well.  We had A LOT of laughs! There was so much structure that Mindy and I were probably worse than the girls about staying on top of things, but it made for a great experience for our young women as well.  I am so glad that I was able to be totally disconnected from work for a week and just focused on my spirituality and being built by the youth of the church.
Oley periodically reminded me of how incredibly difficult it is to be a single parent for a week and let me talk to my little babe.  I missed them terribly. 

What a great experience.  I think I may do it again next year!

Love Having a Baby Girl

I absolutely love having a daughter!  I constantly struggle with the fact that I go to work and she stays home with her dad.  I remember the first time that she began to start to cling to me, it was last Thanksgiving and we had family at our house.  Until this point she typically was okay if I would have Oley watch her while I did something, but that weekend in particular if I was not holding her she was not happy.  She has never grown out of this stage and I am 100% okay with that.  Because she stays home with dad I felt like I never was going to get that special bond with her, but I am so glad that she is super clingy to me.  I love that she wants to be involved in everything I am doing.  I was kicking a soccer ball around the house the other day and now she loves the soccer ball. 

 

If I go into the bathroom and shut the door she is right at the door knocking and saying Mom. 

She loves to sit on my lap and get ready for the day with me.

 

I love the tenderness of her personality and how she lights up when she gets a new toy or gets to play outside. 

 She is the best little pal I could ask for.  I love getting to spend time with her.  The other night we laid in bed and had a laughing contest, we giggled for over 20 minutes.  Her little laugh is just so contagious.  The joy she has brought into our life and our home is far beyond any blessing I could have ever asked for.  She truly brings hope and optimism to everyone she meets.  I am so privileged to be known as her mom.  I am forever grateful to Allison and the strength it took for her to make such a difficult choice.  I know that if it wasn't for Allison and her faith in Christ I would not have this sweet little spirit in my life and for that I am eternal grateful.

 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a day that I have dreaded and for rightful reasons (or so I think).  Going to church and having the awkward "will all the mothers in the congregation please stand up so we can give you a gift", or "please all women pick up a gift as you walk out of the chapel."  Or the well wishes from people wishing you a Happy Mother's Day - it was as if taking the knife and twisting it a little deeper and harder into my heart.  Not that that was what was intended by any of these actions, but that's how someone who is infertile, or at least I, took it. 
This year would be my first real Mother's Day.  I didn't know what to think of it.  I actually started to dread it two weeks before, knowing that it was coming.  I wished the world would just skip the weekend all together because I knew I never liked this holiday and this year was supposed to be different.  I knew that the joy I was feeling was because of an incredibly strong woman who was willing to sacrifice her baby so that I could become a "mother".  I have no idea what kind of strength that had to have taken from her, but she did it and now I am a mom!  Because I am now a mom, why was I not ready for this wonderful day in which we celebrate mothers? 

The day that Adelé was born is one that I will always keep deep in my heart.  Being in the delivery room with Allison and realizing that she had the strength to follow the Lord's plan to sacrifice her baby to fulfill the promised blessing for Oley and I to to become parents, was the most incredible feeling I have had.  My love for her grew tenfold as sweet Adelé was born and she allowed me to be the first to hold her.  As I looked down at our new sweet baby my heart was full.   

This sweet baby was the same baby that I had seen numerous times as I looked at a painting by Simon Dewey. 

This image is one that means the world to me.   One lonely night as I was having an incredibly difficult time dealing with my infertility this image popped up on my computer.  I was pleading with my Heavenly Father earlier that evening that I didn't understand why I couldn't have a child of my own.  Later in the evening I was at my computer and this image appeared, the Scripture "Doubt Not But Be Believing" came into my mind.  I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and that I just needed to continue to have the faith and someday I would be holding this infant in my arms - one in which He had taken special care of, which would be reflected in the light of their eyes. 
When Adelé was born I knew that this was that baby in the picture and that I would get to share this perfect angel with Allison.  She would grow up knowing that she not only had one loving mother that she shared her life with, but she was blessed with the best kind of mother one in which only the elite of women can claim the title of and that is a birth mother. 
 
So why then was I having trouble being happy for this holiday? At the end of the day I realized that my anxiety over this holiday was not the holiday itself, but the pain I know that comes with this holiday.  The pain women all over the world feel.  The pain that women who are unable to bear children cope with, the pain that birth mothers who place their children deal with, the pain that children who have lost mothers at a young age have, the pain of grown adults who have lost their mothers deal with - all of this made me realize one thing the title of Mother means more than just bearing a child, it means loving a child unconditionally.  The statement a mother's love means much more to me now than it ever has before.  I am indeed grateful for the opportunity I have to have Adelé as my child, from the first time I held her to the first time I fed her the peace and optimism she brings to me is more than I can ever repay. 


I know that I have  Father and Mother in Heaven that love me.  I know that they are aware of my circumstances and I know that as Adelé grows she will carry this light with her throughout her life and will be able to bring hope and healing to everyone she encounters.  I love our birthmom and I am so grateful we get to share our little Adelé with such a strong woman!