Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a day that I have dreaded and for rightful reasons (or so I think).  Going to church and having the awkward "will all the mothers in the congregation please stand up so we can give you a gift", or "please all women pick up a gift as you walk out of the chapel."  Or the well wishes from people wishing you a Happy Mother's Day - it was as if taking the knife and twisting it a little deeper and harder into my heart.  Not that that was what was intended by any of these actions, but that's how someone who is infertile, or at least I, took it. 
This year would be my first real Mother's Day.  I didn't know what to think of it.  I actually started to dread it two weeks before, knowing that it was coming.  I wished the world would just skip the weekend all together because I knew I never liked this holiday and this year was supposed to be different.  I knew that the joy I was feeling was because of an incredibly strong woman who was willing to sacrifice her baby so that I could become a "mother".  I have no idea what kind of strength that had to have taken from her, but she did it and now I am a mom!  Because I am now a mom, why was I not ready for this wonderful day in which we celebrate mothers? 

The day that Adelé was born is one that I will always keep deep in my heart.  Being in the delivery room with Allison and realizing that she had the strength to follow the Lord's plan to sacrifice her baby to fulfill the promised blessing for Oley and I to to become parents, was the most incredible feeling I have had.  My love for her grew tenfold as sweet Adelé was born and she allowed me to be the first to hold her.  As I looked down at our new sweet baby my heart was full.   

This sweet baby was the same baby that I had seen numerous times as I looked at a painting by Simon Dewey. 

This image is one that means the world to me.   One lonely night as I was having an incredibly difficult time dealing with my infertility this image popped up on my computer.  I was pleading with my Heavenly Father earlier that evening that I didn't understand why I couldn't have a child of my own.  Later in the evening I was at my computer and this image appeared, the Scripture "Doubt Not But Be Believing" came into my mind.  I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and that I just needed to continue to have the faith and someday I would be holding this infant in my arms - one in which He had taken special care of, which would be reflected in the light of their eyes. 
When Adelé was born I knew that this was that baby in the picture and that I would get to share this perfect angel with Allison.  She would grow up knowing that she not only had one loving mother that she shared her life with, but she was blessed with the best kind of mother one in which only the elite of women can claim the title of and that is a birth mother. 
 
So why then was I having trouble being happy for this holiday? At the end of the day I realized that my anxiety over this holiday was not the holiday itself, but the pain I know that comes with this holiday.  The pain women all over the world feel.  The pain that women who are unable to bear children cope with, the pain that birth mothers who place their children deal with, the pain that children who have lost mothers at a young age have, the pain of grown adults who have lost their mothers deal with - all of this made me realize one thing the title of Mother means more than just bearing a child, it means loving a child unconditionally.  The statement a mother's love means much more to me now than it ever has before.  I am indeed grateful for the opportunity I have to have Adelé as my child, from the first time I held her to the first time I fed her the peace and optimism she brings to me is more than I can ever repay. 


I know that I have  Father and Mother in Heaven that love me.  I know that they are aware of my circumstances and I know that as Adelé grows she will carry this light with her throughout her life and will be able to bring hope and healing to everyone she encounters.  I love our birthmom and I am so grateful we get to share our little Adelé with such a strong woman!