Growing Up!

Alright Laur just start laughing now because I already know you will be laughing as soon as I type this.  Back in October when my family was here visiting they all got a good chuckle when Oley let them in on a little secret - there was no way I was ever buying Lily a new collar, becuase the one she had was her baby collar and I never wanted her to grow up!  Okay, so yes that was a factual statement, but oh how much fun they had with this little fact.  Luckily for us our little squirt just keeps getting fatter and not bigger so her collar continues to fit.  I will admit it was getting a little old and Oley was trying to think of ways he could "lose" it so we had to buy her a new one.  Well lucky for him Lily took care of all his worries when she decided it would be a great idea to chew through this little sentiment of mine.

She chewed it just right that the buckle came off! A little bit of me died inside upon finding this.  But I suppose we all have to grow up at some point.  When I was telling my mom her comment back was, "oh good, next she'll be losing her baby fat!"  So sad, but kind of funny!  We love our little baby dog, but I guess it's time for her to move on to bigger things..So she got a new collar last night!  Yay!

Yesterday I also spent a great deal of my time reminiscing on the carefree days of soccer.  My Saturday team played a college team yesterday and as I observed how carefree and in love with the game they were I couldn't help but reflect back on my carefree college days. 

 This was the game I got my tooth knocked out by Erica!

Oh to be young again and not have to worry about how much time off work I will have to take if I go into that tackle wrong, or how much damage my body will endure if I go up for that header and get smashed between two players.  Oh yes, those were the days! 

Juicing

Oley has been asking to buy a juicer for well over a year now.  Since I am a thrifty wife and don't let him waste money on things I know will never be used I lovingly continue to let him know he will not be purchasing a juicer. Since I failed miserably at buying Christmas gifts this year, and he has been asking for well over a year I finally caved and let him bring home his baby!

Since then our grocery shopping has consisted of nothing but fruits and vegetables.

Which I suppose there is nothing wrong with this picture since I am trying to get down to wedding day weight, but honestly it makes for a rough week when all I want is something that isn't healthy!  Seriously though this stuff looks nasty.  Whenever Oley juices something and drinks it I gag a little inside.  Whoever thought that this was a good idea?

The Perfect Day

Whenever I am asked explain to what my perfect day would be, I always try to think hmm...what would be my perfect day?  Usually I am at a loss!  But I can now explain the perfect day!  I am sure that my idea will change in 3 months, but for now this definitely was the perfect day!
Oley took the scouts camping on Friday night so I was up into the wee hours of morning editing pictures of my cute little nephew! 

 

Which yes, I am still a baby and can't sleep when Oley is away, so this was actually the start of a great day!  I woke up super early and went for a 5k run, and smashed my time!  Ran it in 24:40, which makes me feel like I may actually be able to finish this half in under 2 hours come April!  So that in and of itself could have made for a great day!  But I got home took a quick shower and loaded my bike onto the back of the car to meet up with some guys from the ward for a quick 15 mile bike ride.  

You read that correctly "I" loaded the bike on the car, first for everything right!  Since the ride took a little longer than I anticipated I went straight to my soccer game from the trail.  We played down a player and were still able to pull off a 2-1 win.  After a quick shower we got ready and headed out for ward temple night.

Afterwards we stopped off in Renton to get some much needed nourishment.  We planned to eat at Cheesecake Factory, but after hearing the wait we opted just to get some cheesecake to go and headed over to the Spaghetti Factory for dinner.  While we had a short wait there I was able to get some shopping done.  From dinner we came home and enjoyed our cheesecake and the company of one another.  

I am so glad that I married my best friend and that he is supportive of me and let's me remain active in those areas in which he has no interest (soccer)! I now can answer the question what is your perfect day?  Running, Biking, Soccer, the Temple, Shopping,  Good Food, and a lot of time spent with the love of my life!

 

Reflections

To start off we are absolutely in love with our life right now and could not ask for anything better!  Although, you have to taste the bitter to know of the sweet, and I will admit we did a horrid job of writing those bitter emotions down...anywhere.  I was appalled at myself when I went to my journal two days ago and flipped to August 29 and the days shortly there after and there was no journal entry, quite frankly no mention until September that it didn't work, and that was it - what was I thinking?!?  As I read through the one measly blog post we made it really didn't do justice for the situation.  Did we think that if we kept these things between the two of us that was good enough or was it just to hard to put emotions into words - yes, candidly a little of both, mainly we didn't want others feeling bad for us.
What I have since realized, and have received emails regarding other posts on our blog, is that it is wonderful to go onto another person's blog and see that they have suffered in a way very similar to yours and see how they were able to cope and get through it.  The Lord uses his followers to comfort those who are in need of comfort and we have done a horrible job of portraying the low points of our journey - which for me is hard to do becuase I continually strive to turn a negative into a positive!  So here's to hoping we can help someone with this very depressing post.(believe me I am torn between even pushing the publish button or pressing delete!)
Because I am the sibling that is always looked to for being the strong one in hard situations, due to my lack of sad emotions - I don't even know where to start! Okay, so yes I do!  All of this reflection nonsense started on Monday night as I prepared for dreaded "Aunt Flow" to grace me with her monthly visit.  As usual I didn't sleep all night due to the pain and cramps, Tuesday was a normal Aunt Flow day and then Wednesday hit and I thought I may actually be bleeding to death!  It was bad enough, even Oley was freaked out - but the drama ended within a couple hours and away I went to play an outstanding basketball game, (I had 20 points btw) by the time I got home I was absolutely drained!  I laid in bed and there was that lovely reminder that I was female again.  Usually when this happens I let Oley know that I am calling the doctor the very next day to let him know I need him to take all my lady parts out, since obviously we can't get them to work anyway - may as well just get rid of them right ;)!
While at work on Friday we got an update from one of the blogs we are subscribed to, while perusing her blog I somehow ended up on her failed adoption experience a few years back.  As I read through it my heart ached for her because I knew exactly what she felt and realized it will be a year next week since we started on our failed adoption.  I then thought we all have extremely difficult times, there are many in our life right now that are experiencing extreme heart ache and how nice it is to actually read how others have coped with theirs.  This obviously brought on a flood of emotions! As I was driving home I was trying my darnedest to keep it all together.  We had plans to meet Oley's Aunt for dinner and I didn't want to go looking like I spent the past 2 hours crying my eyes out!

 

Dinner went great, but on the car ride home I made Oley drive so I could "talk" at him.  As soon as we got in the car it was as if the flood gates opened, and there was no holding back - believe me I tried!  His actual comment was "Whoa! Where did this emotional outburst come from?"  So as I took him through my past week it lead to how we coped with our experience.  The day we found out the birthmom - who we still  worry about and care for - was going to parent the baby girl we had been dreaming about for the past 7 months, we were absolutely heartbroken.  It was a feeling of numbness, we had no idea what to think, do, feel, or say!  I remember getting home from work and trying to find anything to do to take my mind off of things - so I decided I would fold laundry (most dreaded chore ever btw and I will admit poor choice if you are trying to get your mind off something), but what a great choice because I was able to just think! I heard Oley's truck pull up and thought to myself okay I have got to pull myself together.  After about 5 minutes I realized he wasn't coming in the house, so texted him and asked what he was doing, he let me know he was just being sad, so I told him to come in the house and we could be sad together.  We spent the next hour or so just laying in the office crying, we were both speechless (that's right I was speechless, crazy huh).  It felt as though someone had sat on my chest I couldn't breathe, or maybe that was because I couldn't get any air in through the sobs either way I had never felt so broken.  This went on for a few days, until we made the long drive to Idaho Falls to be at my little sister's baby blessing - which I knew was going to be a beast facing our families for an occasion such as this.  

Oley still had not let his family know, so lucky for me I got to break the news to them (we laugh about it now).  After sacrificing the past 48 hours of sleep to be at the baby blessing, we were standing in front of Reed's Dairy saying our good byes to his parents, his mom pulled out a whole stack of quilts she had made for the baby, I looked at Oley and knew right away he still hadn't told them!  I am not the type that thinks often before I speak anyway, so not having 48 hours of sleep didn't help in this situation.  As nicely and plainly as I could put it, I graciously accepted the blankets and let them know it wasn't going to work.  The next 10 minutes were filled with Oley walking away to be with the men while I tried answering the questions his mom and sister-in-law had on all the details, if we were okay, etc. etc.  Remember no sleep in 48 hours, standing in the Reed's Dairy parking lot, and me not being an emotional person (that had just experienced something in which made me an extremely emotional person) made for the most excruciating 10 minutes of my life - no we weren't okay and no we didn't want to talk about it - especially in the current circumstance with the aroma of cow pies brewing in the air, teenage boys trying to impress their dates, and the slow drizzle of the rain, what better time and place to have a conversation such as this right!  

Friday night as Oley and I were recounting this experience and we were laughing so hard we couldn't even talk about it, I asked so why did I have to tell your family, and he jokingly replied, "I am not good with hard things, and you are pretty heartless so you are!" So then I asked what was I supposed to say, how do you even describe that pain?  I think he put it most plainly when he said, "You can't, it's like explaining a period to a male - they don't comprehend it becuase they have no idea where to even start!"  I love this man I married, I am so grateful we can now look back on one of the most difficult times of our life and laugh about how much learning and growth we experienced.  

So enough of all this sad stuff - how did we really heal?  Going to Oden's baby blessing was one of the best choices we made, yes I knew it was going to be like twisting the knife that was already in my heart to see my little sister and her newborn baby, but it was something we both felt we needed to do.  I am so glad we did!  

 

While holding little Oden I had the warmest feeling come over me, I knew that the Lord had something great in store for us!  With this past adoption there was so much worrying, so much stress, so much doubting there really was no peace at all.  We felt an extreme amount of peace when we prayed whether the time was right for us to start on the adoption journey and we knew that it was, but it felt as though we were always worried and stressed about this baby and her mom (we should have been more in tune with this but we thought that is how adoptive couples had to feel all the time, worried) which is totally and completely wrong! Now knowing what it's like to be connected with a wonderful birth mom we can honestly say the peace and comfort we feel as we work through our current situation we know Heavenly Father has a hand in this!

Through our temple attendance, fasting, and scripture study we began to heal, there was one scripture that continued to stick out to me, Alma 32:43 "ye shall reap the rewards of your faith,diligence, patience, and long suffering."  I read a lot in Alma 34 and in the margin have written "Just need patience, the Lord knows His plan for you".  While at a ward sealing trip in the temple shortly after this we could feel the Lord's love for us and knew He was very aware of our circumstances.  Yes, we did, and still do have a righteous desire and with faith, diligence and a lot of long suffering the Lord will bless us and continue to watch over us.  This truly was a beautiful heartbreak, and I can't believe I am actually saying this but I am so grateful we were given this opportunity!  It has made us stronger as a couple, brought us closer to the Lord, and given us a deeper appreciation for the most amazing woman and friend we have ever met (we can't wait for May and the rest of our lives)!   That's right there is a Hilary Weeks song, and I did make Oley listen to it as we drove the last 5 minutes to get to our house Friday night!

   

Burke

When Oley and I first got married I had planned to take the spot offered me on the ISU women's soccer team.  Since we were just newlywed I let Oley know that I would be using my maiden name while playing soccer, had I realized how big of a deal this was going to be I may not have even brought it up.  It led to a looonng discussion of "but I have built the name Holly Egan as a soccer player I can't just go and change my name at the peak of my career?"  "But you just married me and took my name so you will use my name."  The conversation went a little something like that.  Well as you all know, through a lot of personal prayer and searching it was decided a temple marriage was more important than a couple more years of college soccer.  So the "discussion" ended there. 
Well now that I live in the Seattle area and sponsors pay to have you wear their uniforms when playing in recreation leagues, I had to battle this same decision Egan vs. Burke.  Since I am so far removed from my home town and no one really would know Holly Egan (except those few that I played the first two years of college ball with) I made the bold new choice and went with Burke. 

 

Kind of sad, but boy does it make Oley proud! Can't wait for our little Burke's to be running around building a name for themselves!  

What's the Purpose?

You know those days that from the moment that the alarm clock goes off you are just rush rush rush - what shirt am I going to wear, no these pants aren't going to work, why won't my hair just do what I want it to, am I really already 4 minutes late, shoot it's already 3 o' clock where did the entire morning go, did I even eat lunch today, did I get all the must do's done, how am I going to do it all again tomorrow?  For some reason I seem to thrive on chaos and stress and so find it necessary to live everyday like this, or so it has seemed recently. So unfortunately by the end of the day I usually end up like this.

But seriously though?  What's the purpose of all of this Chaos.  Does it make me a better person becuase I am involved in 500 billion different things, does it make me feel better about myself becuase I work out twice a day and leave no time for just relaxing, does it really show how awesome I really am when I am running around like I have lost my mind?  Well no, probably not.  But it reminds me of the general conference talk a few sessions back which focused on What Matters Most?  Does it matter that I try my best to be a great wife when I am gone 70% of the time doing other things.  Well maybe, but probably not. 
This past week in Young Women's we were having a lesson on the plan of salvation and the instructor wrote on the board, "What's the Purpose of LIFE?" Obviously, this could have been the standard plan of salvation lesson, but I love how the new youth curriculum is outlined and how the spirit is able to take the discussion and touch everyone's life. 
The instructor straight up asked the girls "tell me something good that happened this week?"  As she went around the circle and the girls each had a hard time trying to figure out one good thing that happened to them in the past week, she caught me off guard when she asked "Sister Burke how about you?"  Honestly, I was trying to figure out what went bad in my week.  I truly couldn't think of a single bad thing that happened. So after church I thought a little bit longer and realized yes I had a horrible event happen.  I have been training for a half marathon, while on a morning run I was feeling pretty good that I hadn't sprained either of my ankles yet this season.  Not more than 2 minutes later I stepped on a rock and tweaked my ankle.  I thought for sure that was going to be the end of my running, but I remember pleading with Heavenly Father that everything would be okay if I just kept running it would turn out fine.  I have since realized I had turned almost all of my "troubles", as insignificant as some may have seemed, over to the Lord the past week, so I really couldn't find anything that was terrible about my week.  But really though, how often do we focus so much on all the negative we forget the tender mercies of the Lord?
Along those same lines we talked about so what is the purpose? Obviously we are here to be tried and tested, but do we take life for granted?  I candidly will say I definitely do.  I asked the girls what they would do if they found out that they had a month to live. Naturally, all their answers were I would want to be with my family.  I changed the question and asked what if you were told in a month you would lose both your arms, the first things many of them said were "I couldn't text" "How would I hold the TV remote".  Selfishly I had some thoughts along these lines as well, but seriously what would you do?  Would you hug your loved ones a little longer, would you spend time serving those around you a little bit more - or would you make sure you got all the texting done you could dream of?
So what's the purpose?  Why do I feel like I need to cram my life so full, do I really feel fulfilled doing that?  Why if I am not totally and completely exhausted from the worries of the world do I not feel like I have accomplished anything that day?  These are all the ways that the adversary gets to us.  I have been fortunate enough to have a calling that requires I strengthen my relationship with my Savior through daily prayer and scripture study, but I can easily see how these things could fall through the cracks.  So I guess I owe it to myself and Oley to take a good long look at our hectic lives and really ask the question, What Matters Most?