Reflections

To start off we are absolutely in love with our life right now and could not ask for anything better!  Although, you have to taste the bitter to know of the sweet, and I will admit we did a horrid job of writing those bitter emotions down...anywhere.  I was appalled at myself when I went to my journal two days ago and flipped to August 29 and the days shortly there after and there was no journal entry, quite frankly no mention until September that it didn't work, and that was it - what was I thinking?!?  As I read through the one measly blog post we made it really didn't do justice for the situation.  Did we think that if we kept these things between the two of us that was good enough or was it just to hard to put emotions into words - yes, candidly a little of both, mainly we didn't want others feeling bad for us.
What I have since realized, and have received emails regarding other posts on our blog, is that it is wonderful to go onto another person's blog and see that they have suffered in a way very similar to yours and see how they were able to cope and get through it.  The Lord uses his followers to comfort those who are in need of comfort and we have done a horrible job of portraying the low points of our journey - which for me is hard to do becuase I continually strive to turn a negative into a positive!  So here's to hoping we can help someone with this very depressing post.(believe me I am torn between even pushing the publish button or pressing delete!)
Because I am the sibling that is always looked to for being the strong one in hard situations, due to my lack of sad emotions - I don't even know where to start! Okay, so yes I do!  All of this reflection nonsense started on Monday night as I prepared for dreaded "Aunt Flow" to grace me with her monthly visit.  As usual I didn't sleep all night due to the pain and cramps, Tuesday was a normal Aunt Flow day and then Wednesday hit and I thought I may actually be bleeding to death!  It was bad enough, even Oley was freaked out - but the drama ended within a couple hours and away I went to play an outstanding basketball game, (I had 20 points btw) by the time I got home I was absolutely drained!  I laid in bed and there was that lovely reminder that I was female again.  Usually when this happens I let Oley know that I am calling the doctor the very next day to let him know I need him to take all my lady parts out, since obviously we can't get them to work anyway - may as well just get rid of them right ;)!
While at work on Friday we got an update from one of the blogs we are subscribed to, while perusing her blog I somehow ended up on her failed adoption experience a few years back.  As I read through it my heart ached for her because I knew exactly what she felt and realized it will be a year next week since we started on our failed adoption.  I then thought we all have extremely difficult times, there are many in our life right now that are experiencing extreme heart ache and how nice it is to actually read how others have coped with theirs.  This obviously brought on a flood of emotions! As I was driving home I was trying my darnedest to keep it all together.  We had plans to meet Oley's Aunt for dinner and I didn't want to go looking like I spent the past 2 hours crying my eyes out!

 

Dinner went great, but on the car ride home I made Oley drive so I could "talk" at him.  As soon as we got in the car it was as if the flood gates opened, and there was no holding back - believe me I tried!  His actual comment was "Whoa! Where did this emotional outburst come from?"  So as I took him through my past week it lead to how we coped with our experience.  The day we found out the birthmom - who we still  worry about and care for - was going to parent the baby girl we had been dreaming about for the past 7 months, we were absolutely heartbroken.  It was a feeling of numbness, we had no idea what to think, do, feel, or say!  I remember getting home from work and trying to find anything to do to take my mind off of things - so I decided I would fold laundry (most dreaded chore ever btw and I will admit poor choice if you are trying to get your mind off something), but what a great choice because I was able to just think! I heard Oley's truck pull up and thought to myself okay I have got to pull myself together.  After about 5 minutes I realized he wasn't coming in the house, so texted him and asked what he was doing, he let me know he was just being sad, so I told him to come in the house and we could be sad together.  We spent the next hour or so just laying in the office crying, we were both speechless (that's right I was speechless, crazy huh).  It felt as though someone had sat on my chest I couldn't breathe, or maybe that was because I couldn't get any air in through the sobs either way I had never felt so broken.  This went on for a few days, until we made the long drive to Idaho Falls to be at my little sister's baby blessing - which I knew was going to be a beast facing our families for an occasion such as this.  

Oley still had not let his family know, so lucky for me I got to break the news to them (we laugh about it now).  After sacrificing the past 48 hours of sleep to be at the baby blessing, we were standing in front of Reed's Dairy saying our good byes to his parents, his mom pulled out a whole stack of quilts she had made for the baby, I looked at Oley and knew right away he still hadn't told them!  I am not the type that thinks often before I speak anyway, so not having 48 hours of sleep didn't help in this situation.  As nicely and plainly as I could put it, I graciously accepted the blankets and let them know it wasn't going to work.  The next 10 minutes were filled with Oley walking away to be with the men while I tried answering the questions his mom and sister-in-law had on all the details, if we were okay, etc. etc.  Remember no sleep in 48 hours, standing in the Reed's Dairy parking lot, and me not being an emotional person (that had just experienced something in which made me an extremely emotional person) made for the most excruciating 10 minutes of my life - no we weren't okay and no we didn't want to talk about it - especially in the current circumstance with the aroma of cow pies brewing in the air, teenage boys trying to impress their dates, and the slow drizzle of the rain, what better time and place to have a conversation such as this right!  

Friday night as Oley and I were recounting this experience and we were laughing so hard we couldn't even talk about it, I asked so why did I have to tell your family, and he jokingly replied, "I am not good with hard things, and you are pretty heartless so you are!" So then I asked what was I supposed to say, how do you even describe that pain?  I think he put it most plainly when he said, "You can't, it's like explaining a period to a male - they don't comprehend it becuase they have no idea where to even start!"  I love this man I married, I am so grateful we can now look back on one of the most difficult times of our life and laugh about how much learning and growth we experienced.  

So enough of all this sad stuff - how did we really heal?  Going to Oden's baby blessing was one of the best choices we made, yes I knew it was going to be like twisting the knife that was already in my heart to see my little sister and her newborn baby, but it was something we both felt we needed to do.  I am so glad we did!  

 

While holding little Oden I had the warmest feeling come over me, I knew that the Lord had something great in store for us!  With this past adoption there was so much worrying, so much stress, so much doubting there really was no peace at all.  We felt an extreme amount of peace when we prayed whether the time was right for us to start on the adoption journey and we knew that it was, but it felt as though we were always worried and stressed about this baby and her mom (we should have been more in tune with this but we thought that is how adoptive couples had to feel all the time, worried) which is totally and completely wrong! Now knowing what it's like to be connected with a wonderful birth mom we can honestly say the peace and comfort we feel as we work through our current situation we know Heavenly Father has a hand in this!

Through our temple attendance, fasting, and scripture study we began to heal, there was one scripture that continued to stick out to me, Alma 32:43 "ye shall reap the rewards of your faith,diligence, patience, and long suffering."  I read a lot in Alma 34 and in the margin have written "Just need patience, the Lord knows His plan for you".  While at a ward sealing trip in the temple shortly after this we could feel the Lord's love for us and knew He was very aware of our circumstances.  Yes, we did, and still do have a righteous desire and with faith, diligence and a lot of long suffering the Lord will bless us and continue to watch over us.  This truly was a beautiful heartbreak, and I can't believe I am actually saying this but I am so grateful we were given this opportunity!  It has made us stronger as a couple, brought us closer to the Lord, and given us a deeper appreciation for the most amazing woman and friend we have ever met (we can't wait for May and the rest of our lives)!   That's right there is a Hilary Weeks song, and I did make Oley listen to it as we drove the last 5 minutes to get to our house Friday night!